There was a time when children saw it as their responsibility to look after their ageing parents. Today unfortunately we live in a very fast-paced world and if one wants to get ahead one must put in those billable hours. Often this leaves little time to dedicate to those around us who may be vulnerable. Many older people feel let down by their children, who seem to have no time for them. Although most children do not act in this way intentionally, it is nonetheless very disheartening for parents who feel that they sacrificed so much to ensure their children’s success.
To be sure, it cuts both ways: there are plenty of parents who sit on their money and do nothing to help children who are struggling. There is, however, a difference. Whereas children have already, throughout childhood and beyond, received significantly from their parents, they may never have given anything in return to their parents.
Our sages tell us that the primordial man Adam’s first sin was ingratitude. When God confronted him and asked him why he ate from the fruits of the tree, Adam answered, “The women whom you gave to be with me gave me of the tree and I ate” (Genesis 3:12). In essence Adam was saying that it was God who caused him to sin by giving him Eve. The sages see this as a tremendous act of ingratitude, which warranted the overwhelming punishment Adam received (Talmud, Tractate Avodah Zara 5a).
The concept of gratitude is so central to the Jewish religion that it features in the Ten Commandments. Commandment number five states, “Honor your father and mother.” Respect for our parents embodies a fundamental of common decency – gratitude. Whatever our parents may have or may not have done, whatever mistakes they may have made while raising us, it was they who brought us in to the world. It was our parents who worried for us when we were young; it was they who lost sleep when we cried at night. It was they who nursed us when we were ill and it was they who comforted us when we were scared. We therefore have the responsibility to show gratitude, by showing respect.
According to Talmudic law the respect we have to show for our parents is far-reaching. We must provide food shelter and clothing for them if they are in need.Respecting our parents can often be challenging. For example, even if your parent takes your money and throws it into the river where it is irretrievable, you may not get angry with him (Shulchan Aruch, Yore Deah, 240).
Being busy cannot be an excuse for failing to show the proper respect and gratitude to parents. See how Joseph – the Prime Minister of Egypt, the superpower of his day – honored his father, Jacob. He took the time to ensure that his ageing father was well provided for and comfortable. Joseph sent ten he-donkeys laden with the best of Egypt and ten she-donkeys laden with grain, bread and food for his father to enjoy on his journey while relocating from Canaan to Egypt. Upon Jacob’s arrival in Egypt, Joseph went up to greet his father in Goshen. He then went to the Pharaoh to ensure that his father would have a comfortable place to live. Joseph spared no time or expense to ensure his father was properly looked after (Genesis 45–46).
For Jews the number one priority is to be a mentch (Yiddish for a decent human being). Acting like a mentch can be challenging at times. But the alternative – being an ingrate – is both unpalatable and contrary to Talmudic law. If Joseph was able to find the time to look after and honor his parent appropriately, we can certainly find time to honor and look after ours.