When I was a child growing up in London, my Mom strictly forbade us to play with toy guns. Other friends received toy guns as birthday presents from their parents and grandparents, but no such toy was ever to be found in our home. In fact, my parents never let us watch any movie that was even remotely violent. Mom’s logic was simple: children who play with violent games learn violence. She taught us that a gun was designed with one purpose, to end life. I agree with her that a gun is not a desirable thing for a child to play with and this is the way I am bringing up my own children too.
We are hearing about extreme youth violence all over the place. Last week a teenager was arrested in Evergreen for owning and playing with real firearms. He had a website that featured pictures of himself with guns and statements threatening extreme violence against strangers. Evergreen is known to be a peaceful place. However, widespread youth violence is indicative of a very worrying trend that is setting in all across the Western world including Israel.
In my view, this nasty trend has got nothing to do with whether people should have the right to bear arms. It has everything to do with the attitude of parents.
Young children are like a clean sheet of paper. Everything that they see and hear makes major impressions upon them. We as parents have the responsibility to ensure that the impressions are positive and constructive. In some circumstances, people must be allowed to bear arms and defend themselves. However, we must also defend our children. As a former high school teacher, I know that children are in every way the product of their parents and that, to understand them properly, you have to meet the parents.
The Proverbs offer us timeless wisdom about parenting. “One who spares his rod hates his child, but he who loves him disciplines him in his youth[1].” Many of the commentaries maintain that the rod mentioned in the proverb does not mean literally hitting the child; rather it is a euphemism for strict discipline. Clearly, you can discipline a child without hitting him. In fact, most parents who hit their children do so out of frustration and anger – something disapproved of in Jewish law.
This proverb teaches us that we must discipline our children, which includes giving the right time and attention and not spoiling them with whatever they crave. It means that parents must take notice of what their children are doing, what they are playing with, what they are watching and who they are hanging out with. Proper discipline is in fact tantamount to teaching. It takes time and energy and involves a whole lot more than delivering a quick smack or giving in to a child’s tantrum.
There is another, more obscure proverb that contains further insight and wisdom. “Train the child according to his way; even when he is old he will not depart from it[2].” Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liady, the founder of the School of Kabbalah, observed that “according to his way” implies that there is his way and then there is the true way. He goes on to ask why we would want to teach the child his way rather than the authentic way. His answer is wonderfully profound. There are two stages we go through in life, a beginner’s level and an advanced one, a child’s stage and an adult stage[3].
Let us use the teaching of non-violence to illustrate this point. If we teach our children never to use violence even when playing, although they may not understand why we insist on this, nonetheless it gives them a solid anti-violence foundation, which will help them resist violent urges as adults.
Thus, childhood training acts as a safety net, ensuring that we never fall below a certain ethical standard. The same is true in all matters of morals. For example, it has been a Jewish tradition for hundreds of years that on Passover’s Seder night the children steal the Afikomen (piece of matzo that must be eaten later on in the evening) and then return it only after being promised a present by the adult leading the Seder. The leaders of the school of Kabbalah objected to this tradition and did not allow their children to steal the Afikomen. They said that they would not allow their children to steal even in jest.
The logic is clear. If we want our children to stand the tests of moral and ethical behaviour and decision-making as adults, they must have solid moral and ethical foundations as children.
Thus, if the training a child receives is according to their ways, meaning, even if it is a bit intense – we don’t let them play with toy guns, steal the Afikomen or play violent video games – then when they get older and their moral and ethical judgment is put to the test, they will not depart from the ethics they were taught as children.
My children may deserve a smack once in a while, but I will never lift my hand to them, because I do not want them ever to think that violence, of any sort, is a legitimate way to deal with a problem.
Shouting and screaming self-righteously about the behavior of our youth is wrong and worthless if it does not make us think seriously about the way we entertain, educate and bring up our own children.