The Festival of Marriage & Family Values

The fifteenth day in Av – the day the young women went in to the vineyards to find a groom – was a day that symbolized a society that had internalized ideas of morality, selflessness and family values

Some in Israel mark the fifteenth day of the month of Av with a “Festival of Love” and commemorate it with all night rock concerts. There are also those who celebrate it by attending "Love, Sexuality and Art Festivals."

The roots of this festival date back to Temple times. Rabbi Simeon ben Gamaliel said: Israel never had more joyous days than the fifteenth of Av and the Day of Atonement. On these days the daughters of Jerusalem would walk out in white garments, which they borrowed in order not to embarrass any one who could not afford more expensive clothing.

The daughters of Jerusalem came out and danced in the vineyards exclaiming at the same time, young man, lift up your eyes and see what you choose for yourself. Do not set your eyes on beauty but set your eyes on good family. Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised. It further says, give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her works praise her in the gates (Tractate Ta’anit).

Although, historically there were other joyous events that took place on the fifteenth of Av[1], according to the Rabbis it was considered the happiest day of Jewish calendar because on that day maidens went out to attract a groom. However the question begs to be answered: could this really be more joyous then Shavuot, when we celebrate the giving of the Torah, or Passover when we celebrate the exodus from Egypt?

The answer is yes and herein a profound and pertinent message is found.

Love and marriage

The age when people are getting married has increased over the last thirty years. In 1970, the median age of marriage in the USA was 23.2 for men and 20.8 for women. In 2000, the median age had increased to 26.8 for men and women 25.1 for women.

Furthermore in the USA nearly one out of two marriages will end in divorce and the overall divorce rate for Jews in Israel is at 38 percent. These statistics suggest that people are cohabiting with multiple partners before settling down with just one – and when people do finally marry nearly half do not have what it takes to make a success of it.

In truth, these statistics should come as no surprise: Western society teaches that life is all about self-gratification and self-indulgence, so even when people do get married selfish reasons abound. As a recent American research paper on marriage observed, the reason people get married is still mostly for "romantic relationships and lavish weddings."

Time-honored aspects of marriage, such as its importance to children or even its connection to parenthood, remain sidelined. Tragically, together with the demise of stable marriages come the collapse of the family and therefore the slow death of traditional moral values and trust.

 The Mission: Marriage

Contrast this with the story of the fifteenth day of Av which is one of selflessness, sharing and morality. This is demonstrated by the fact that, according to the Talmud, instead of wearing expensive eveningwear daughters of Jerusalem wore loaned plain white garments so as not to embarrass others who could not afford expensive gowns.

The young maidens went out to the vineyards in order to get married rather than to find an impermanent partner with whom to cohabit. For these young ladies finding a husband was not solely about romance and a lavish wedding – it was primarily about bringing up a fine family and finding the personality and qualities needed for that particular purpose.

The fifteenth day in Av – the day the young women went in to the vineyards to find a groom – was a day that symbolized a society that had internalized ideas of morality, selflessness and family values. It reflected a society that had its priorities ordered correctly. A day with such connotations is truly one to celebrate.

 Finally, because the fifteenth of Av celebrated a society’s moral and ethical achievement rather than divine miracles, it is considered more joyous than all of the other festivals.

In the current climate where morality and family values gets so much bad press we must take inspiration from this festival. Entitling the fifteenth of Av “The Festival of Love,” and celebrating it by attending rock concerts and "Love, Sexuality and Art Festivals" is thus deeply misguided. The fifteenth of Av should instead be entitled “The Festival of Marriage and Family Values.”  

1. On this day the ban against marrying outside the tribe was lifted. In the desert, the daughters of Tzelafchad had come to Moses to ask that they receive their father’s inheritance, since they had no brothers. God told Moses to allow it, but that the daughters had to marry within their own tribe, so that the land would remain within their tribe. After the Jews crossed into Israel, on the fifteenth of Av this restriction was lifted.
   
2. At a later point the tribe of Benjamin, which had committed a major sin, was permitted again to marry other tribes on the fifteenth day of Av. Jews of the desert were sentenced to die before they reached Israel.
   

According to the midrash (additional Talmudic commentary), on the ninth of Av every year they would dig their own graves and go lay down to sleep in them, and only a few would wake up. After forty years on the fifteenth of Av the plaque was confirmed to have ended.